Manager and employer evaluations

 

How to Make Your Evaluation Lighter

    Where do you see yourself  in the next year?

Some possible answers that are not really serious:

"Nowhere at all. That is why I've been sitting in the same position for 5 years."

"Taking over your job. Let's talk about the blackmail photos I've got at my desk."

"Going to the bathroom a lot. You know, they changed the soap in there. It is actually quite nice."

What are some goals you'd like to achieve in the near future?

Possible answers:

"I would like to finally figure out how to download movies on my work computer. I need to do something to kill time at work."

"I'd like to lose weight, get a puppy, learn how to sew.... Oh, you meant work related goals. I don't have any of those."

"I hope to turn in my resignation notice anyday now."

"I've got my eye on Bob down the hall. Do you know if he's single?"

Do you have suggestions on how to improve employee morale?

Some answers that are a little too honest are:

"Yes, stop making us suffer from these performance reviews."

"Sure, can we stop having so many meetings?" 

"Yes, free alcohol served at our cubicles."

"Nap breaks would certainly improve my morale."

"I am pretty sure doubling everyone's salary would make a big difference."

What can you do to help improve your work performance?

Funny answers include:

"I could show up and work and that type of thing. I probably won't though."

"Improvement? I am pretty damn perfect, thank you."

"I'll bet I could get more work done if I stopped texting so much."

What can we do for you to help you perform your job better?

Some fun answers include:

"I require more breaks, more money, and free food. After that, I will give this whole "improve my work ethic" thing a try."

"You could try giving me less work. I am sure I could do a great job with a few less job duties."

"Can I have an assistant?"

"As stated before, naps are the key to my success." 

How would you rate your job performance at our company?

Some good answers could be:

"Hahaha... are you kidding me? Oh, you are serious."

"Is this graded on a curve?"

"My performance rating at this job is probably pretty low, but you should see me play Tetris. That is where I really excel."

What would you say your greatest challenge is at this position?

More fun comments your boss won't want to hear:

"Oh, the usual... showing up on time, not slapping the customers or my co-workers, finding new ways to sleep at my desk without getting caught."

"Finding the time to do all my online shopping during work hours is a major challenge each day."

"Doing my job is a challenge. I totally lied on my resume. I am making stuff up as I go along."


HOW TO  PREPARE for a PERFORMANCE REVIEW.

There are a lot of ways to conduct a performance review. 
Follow these tips on how to: 
• Get prepared for your next performance conversation 
• Feel confident when conducting a performance review 
• Follow up when the performance conversation is over  
Check these items off your list before conducting a review. 
… Select the right setting You set the tone for your performance review. And the vibe of your meeting begins with the location. Think about the message you send when choosing a setting. 
… Establish a regular meeting time Schedule the meeting at least a week out to give your employees time to prepare. Be considerate of their calendar by avoiding days with deadlines. 
… Set clear expectations Ensure everyone is on the same page by setting clear expectations. Make it crystal clear what’s going to be covered so employees can avoid anxious wondering. 
… Create an agenda Outlining your plan for the meeting makes it easier for employees and managers to come prepared. Use your agenda to take detailed notes to fuel future conversations. 
… Prepare and share your notes Getting on the same page about an employee’s performance before your meeting will lead to a more transparent and constructive conversation. 
… Gather data Come to the meeting ready to dive in by collecting background information about goal progress and feedback from coworkers. 
When you lead with positivity, employees will relax and feel more comfortable during the review. 
… Start with an ice breaker There’s a lot of anxiety around performance conversations. Kick off the meeting by asking about some good news the employee experienced recently to lower barriers and build trust. 
… Be a good coach Approach the review as a two-way conversation. As a coach you can ask questions that uncover doubts or roadblocks to success. Encourage employees to ask questions in return to show your support. Collaborate on action steps to keep moving forward. 
… Avoid distractions Make a conscious decision to remove distractions during your performance conversations. Devote your attention to the meeting at hand so employees know you value their time. 
… Schedule the next conversation End your meeting with next steps for your employee to work on. Touch base between meetings to check in on goal progress, obstacles, opportunities, and life outside of work. 
Follow up on your performance conversations with these tips. 
… Document agreed upon next steps Ask employees to share feedback based on their takeaways from the meeting. When you’ve come to a conclusion, document the conversation to use for reference during your next conversation. 
… Track individual goals Regularly review goal progress to find out what’s going well or where employees need help. From there you can recognize or re-evaluate and create a plan for improvement. 
… Leave the door open The best way to show your support is to be available. Let your employees know that even though the meeting is over, you’re still there to help them succeed.